So here I am again, the Stoned Donald Trump of skateboard commentary. The first thing that comes to my mind gets blurted out and most of you agree with it, even if you don’t want to admit it. First, I want to shout out Jenkem for hooking it up with the HD version of this movie, even though seeing this in HD is pretty much like a getting a turd, but a turd rolled in glitter. And this is one long turd, clocking in at 1 1/2 hours. So if somebody can hook it up with a weed sponsor… It’s just like when Big Brother magazine offered to rate your weed if you sent it to them, except this time I just smoke it. Maybe one day Jenkem will even have weed articles like “CONVERT YOUR SKATE TOOL INTO A PIPE” or “TOP 10 TRICKS TO DO WHILE HIGH”. I’ve also really been feeling Girl Scout Cookies if anyone wants to send me a box. We can only dream.

I’m about 7 minutes in and I haven’t really missed much except for a bunch of dramatic slow motion shots and P-Rod getting hit by a car in the ghetto. I heard rumors of this mo fucka renting out spots in NYC just to get a trick for a Nike ad, and I’m suppose to believe he skates without people watching for traffic? Another thing, I don’t really get all the dramatic shots in skateboard videos. Like, is skateboarding going to get so serious that people are gonna start crying after a good part? Or start showing up to premieres in a top hats and monocles?

The shitty version of Megadeth starts playing and we get our first montage. I guess this is suppose to get the testosterone flowing, except in reality, Metallica is to Metal what Carlos Mencia is to comedy… a bunch of stolen ideas poorly executed. One thing I gotta say is damn, PUT FUCKING NAMES IN MONTAGES SO I KNOW WHO IS SKATEBOARDING. Half these fools look like they all shop at the same GAP catalog, I can’t tell most of them apart. Omar Salazar does save the montage by skating like he always does, like an absolute boss. I spotted a ginger in there too… probably Weiger Van Weinerschnitzel.

So what I’ve gathered so far is Pee Rod has organized a skate trip with a bunch of guys starting in Los Angeles. One of those guys is Jordhan Maxham… who I smoked weed with at Woodward like a decade ago. Good to see this dude still killing it. And right back into another montage with some mind numbing easy listening alternative. And, me gusta, we’re in Spain now. I predict a lot of shaved heads, soccer jerseys, and granite ledges. And boy am I right on point.

It almost sucks how much skateboarding has progressed with all the media we get fed every day, so many incredible tricks happening, yet I just don’t care at all. I do appreciate the bottles of Mountain Dew being placed in shots though. If you’re gonna milk the corporate tit, get every drop. I fully back selling out, shit is just good planning.

With more inspirational quotes from Pee Rod, we are hiking to the site of a skatepark that was buried by dirt. Oh, and now the locals are digging it out like some god damn skateboarding archeologists. It seems to be a huge tranny park from the 70s, which means P-Rod and his crew are gonna be out quick because they don’t play that shit. And finally we get coverage of a Mountain Dew tour inside a Mountain Dew funded video. Fan-fucking-tastic. More inspiration from Paul as he talks about always wanting to turn pro, as he signs autographs.

Wait a second, wait a god damn second… is that ANTHONY PAPPALARDO? Seriously? What a curveball! I guess if you want to show the polar opposite of a pro skater who accomplished everything he wanted, you find a skateboarder who accomplished regressing from pro back to nothing. It’s like that yin and yang shit… I get it. And this mother fucker is so poor it looks like he doesn’t even have griptape on his board. I can’t wait for every ultra core cool guy to just stop using griptape. If they thought obnoxiously loose trucks was fun, wait until they try this. And now this thing has gotten me laughing so hard, because they have Pops looking through trash for “spots” or “dinner.”

The more this video goes on, the more I think it’s just trying to make street skateboarding seem like the only kind of skateboarding. “We Are Asphalt” would have been a better title. I’m just saying, if you wanna represent skateboarding, why not pick the most well rounded skateboarder? It’s like picking Drake to represent all of rap.

The next part is really cool, it’s about a deaf skateboarder who found a place in our society. But how do you make this section as tacky as possible? YOU MAKE IT LIKE THE WATCHER IS DEAF TOO! Why would they edit this section to make the volume seem almost mute? We know he’s deaf, we don’t need an example. And honestly, they kid shreds hard. It’s like if you were watching a documentary about a blind dude and they just black out the screen the whole time they’re interviewing him.

This thing is so long, I need to pack another bowl… I’m missing another montage, but I looked over at my screen and saw some asian people staring; so yeah, there’s that at least.

Well this all makes sense because, turns out, we’re in China! It’s amazing how they talk about the Chinese barely knowing about skateboarding there, yet they manufacture probably 80% of skateboards (including plastic knockoffs, blanks, etc…) out there. We get to see a spot where the security guards spray down the spots with water while you skate. Doesn’t seem to be working as they just sit there with a hose as everyone skates. Try some cooking oil spray, it’ll be way funnier.

Now an unexpected stop at Skatetopia, where probably no one in that bus wants to skate due to the lack of ledges, stairs, and gaps, but hopefully we’ll see some good footage. Nevermind, it’s just a lead in to the falls montage.

But wait, now things are hood as fuck because we’re in Brazil, where people light spots on fire with lighters and gasoline. Not sure why he did that, but I guess I don’t know hood life like that. Sorry, but I don’t care about any Brazil section without Rodrigo TX. It’s literally just the Spain section before, but with more hats and rougher spots. Equally shitty music though.

We are now cliff jumping with the Chief. Jamie found the highest section of the tree to jump from, I wonder if anyone there cracked a Leap of Faith joke? Now there’s a little visit to a DIY park where people skate through fire. I guess towels aren’t cool anymore, now it’s all about throwing gasoline down and lighting it to evaporate the water. I can’t wait till some dumbass kid sees it in this video and goes to try it at his local wood park. Seriously, I’m calling it now.

More montage, with more shitty music and more slow mo celebration sequences = more I don’t care. I’m pretty glad this whole section of the video is just talking about how badass Jamie Thomas is. It’s a nice break from all the lame shit, and P-Rod trying to narrate like a dyslexic reading off a cue card on live TV.

Now in Dubai, where P-Rod claims it’s such a new city that nothing has really been skated. So someone on this RV tour is driving to Dubai, but so what, why the fuck not? And I might be wrong, but the entire Dubai section seems to be set to a DMX/Indian dance song. What the flying fuck, seriously? I’m so confused, X is yelling at me over some sitar sounding dance music. What in the actual fuck is going on? Even I’m not high enough for this music. Clint Walker ends the section gnarly as fuck, riding away into a football field. Maybe signifying how skateboarding is slowly becoming a structured sport, that’d be some creative subliminal messaging.

Now we get a sky diving montage, which has jack fuck to do with anything, but hey, you got a really expensive budget, take advantage. Another montage that seems so repetitive you could replace it with any other montage in the video and I wouldn’t notice. And it looks like the video is gonna end with the crew skating a ledge atop a helicopter pad with some more inspirational P-Rod advice. I feel about as inspired as a dog after a support PETA commercial.

We also get a mob of skateboarders following P-Rod down a street while he babbles about how beautiful skateboarding is. Pretty mediocre ending to a pretty mediocre skate video. If I were you, I’d take the $10 it costs to see this and buy some weed. I can really only see this video being used to show you’re strange uncle who doesn’t know much about “today’s kids” all about today’s current state of street skateboarding. But who knows, I’m just some high guy.

Words: Cold Pizza
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