DISCLAIMER: In our stoned stupidity, we accidentally reviewed the last Revive Skateboards video instead of their newest release. We had originally set out to review “Take Over The World”, but instead we downloaded “Live.Skate.Die”. We decided to keep our ramblings up anyway, so enjoy the review for their first video… LIVE.SKATE.DIE.

We wrote about these dudes a few years ago and they’ve only gotten more popular and more successful since. So, in the spirit of fun and equality, we decided to give their full-length video the Stoned Review treatment, sending a copy to our inebriated staffer for some no-holds barred judgment.

It’s Friday night. Just sparked a fatty. Now’s probably the time to watch that copy of the Revive video that guy sent me. Email says the download link can only be used six times before expiring? Hah! Guaranteed I’ll be the only one clicking that link.

Now that I think about it… Revive is to skateboarding what Insane Clown Posse is to rap music. They’re from the midwest, they have this rabid core fan base that doesn’t really fuck with the rest of the industry, but they’re complete dorks. If you want to wish death upon me for bringing Revive into your life by all means go ahead.

Press play. Let the shit begin.

Opening a skate video with somber piano music. Bold move. Sometimes I think the business people behind the scenes of these outcast brands are secret geniuses. I almost thought that about Schrock, ‘cause that dude runs a miraculously profitable company and decided to open his first full-length video by making fun of the trope of skaters talking about the nostalgia of skating “just for fun.”

But then Andy tail drops into a lake wearing a motorcycle helmet and pillows taped to his body like a person I want to see shot out of a cannon. Dear sweet creator, can you shoot Andy Schrock out of a cannon?

Alright, now the video’s starting, with a slam section and the kind of nü metal I’d expect to hear at some eastern European club where people go to get “addicted” to ecstasy. Josh Katz did a line at Federal Plaza in D.C. wearing a helmet. Skaters have gotten soft as fuck. How did they let him do that without kicking his ass?? Where’s the goddamn Obama of skateboarding, thought he was in these streets?

Already saw a trick that makes me want to smoke a bong full of vomit. This whole video was shot on a DSLR with mucho dad angles.

Live. Skate. Die. is now written on the screen. Is that Revive’s motto? Be honest, if you saw a kid wearing a Revive shirt get run over by a monster truck, would you call an ambulance or would you crouch down next to him and whisper, “Live. Skate. Die.”?

I can’t take this music anymore. It’s fluctuating between emo and tween rock and I wanna punch my laptop in the face for disrespecting me with these ungodly sounds. I’m putting something else on. Let’s see…looks like the new Jay-Z album just dropped. I don’t listen to a lot of Jay-Z but I’m sure it’s 100% better than whatever this is. The lyrics are self-deprecating, but in a way that makes me want to bend over and pee inside my ears so instead of hearing someone complain over a minor power chord I hear piss sloshing back and forth inside my head.

Alright.. new Jay-Z album downloaded (illegally of course). Gonna play it over while keeping Revive on.

I think I figured out Revive’s image: purposefully ugly skating. HAHAHA! Some kid did the funniest big spin out of a lipslide. That shit floated up like a goddamn UFO.

Not one trick has been landed clean. They’re all sketchy.

Now Jay-Z is rapping about slavery. When a black person says the N-word, are they ever described as “dropping an N-bomb?” Only non-black people “drop N-bombs,” and black people just say the N-word, right?

Jay-Z is running out of stuff to rap about. He’s been reminding people for two decades that he used to sell crack. Just rap about signing your daughter up for preschool or about being part of an international billionaires club that has all the supplies ready to survive the nuclear apocalypse. You know Jay and Bey have a legit nuclear holocaust setup. Wonder if they would invite Kanye to their bunker?

Now that I think about it.. Is Revive the SoundCloud rapper of skateboarding???

Josh Katz focused an 8mm camera. Good riddance. But also goddamnit why is this kid skating a manual pad in a helmet? I don’t understand why Revive kids film in the street. It’s so clear none of these guys ever want to leave the skatepark. Just stay in your element.

All of a sudden Richie Jackson is pulling some kid out of a fountain instead of letting him drown. No Richie skate clips though… How much damage would it do to someone’s skate image if they appeared in this video, which apparently has a friends section? Most skaters feel about Revive the way drug dealers in the hood feel about Jay-Z. We get it, you’re technically one of us, but can’t you do something else?

The Schrockster coming in hot with a skit and someone hit him with a cream pie. You think Schrock is into cream pies when he watches porn? I bet as dorky as all these guys are, they watch the most fucked up porn. Like two fat orange dicks simultaneously cumming inside a cantaloupe while some lady drains her silicone leakage in the background. That must be why Josh Katz wears a helmet. To contain the sickness within.

OK, now Schrock pretended to rollerblade into a stop sign and die. Oh shit, he actually died. Video’s over. Sick.

Or not, guess there’s one more guy, and he’s all manuals? He tried to do that Karl Watson move where he goes from nose manual to 180 to manual but he does it backside and it looked hideous.

Maybe the point of this video is to gas up the Revive fans so they think they can make something just as shitty as this. Fuck I can’t take this music anymore. Just gonna mute it.

Wait. That’s it? The ender ender is a goddamn manual on a curb? Of course it is… And now there’s ten minutes of credits rolling but there should just be a link to a page on Amazon where kids can buy scooters.

Ultimately the Revive video makes me want to scooter. Doing a tailwhip on a Razor sounds pretty good right now. If this video ends up on YouTube I’ll personally submit complaints to YouTube to take it down for being inappropriate offensive content.

Anyway, Jay could you please take a minute from rapping and give a call to your hustlers on the corners and have them flex on the Revive guys? They don’t have to commit any murders, just pull out a gun or maybe shoot Josh Katz to see how strong his helmet is. You owe it to us, Jay.

Revive video: 1.5 stars
Jay-Z album: 3 stars

Words: Krusty Karl
Illustration: Michael Giurato
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