Ever had to write captions for photos that you have no context for? No? Lucky you! As the new guy here, Ian has tasked me with just that and it’s only my second week, boo hoo. I guess technically I’ve been here since the summer of 2022, but who’s counting? I suck at math anyway, and for the record, I’m not a very good writer, either. But, now that I’ve gone through the wicked satanic rituals to be indoctrinated as official Jenkem staff, I feel as though I now have enough gusto to be able to crank out some irreverent captions for moments I had nothing to do with.

What’s the deal here? Are they still pumping Kelly [Hart] full of milk on the Nine Club or what? Perhaps he had a nice, warm glass after wrapping an episode and slipped into a deep sleep long enough for his party to get underway without him. Either way, I’m still curious as to how he managed to be sleeping amongst what appears to be a room full of people getting loaded. Maybe he knew about the party and pulled the ole “pretend sleep” maneuver, similar to when you were in elementary school trying to trick your parents into going to sleep themselves so you can sneak in some late-night Cinemax… Classic!

That’s no In-N-Out employee, it’s our West Coast biz hand, Thomas! Here we can see him unloading up what appears to be several thousand dollars worth of Dwindle wood. Those guys owed us money too and after all the Dwindle drama that’s gone down in the last few months we figured we’d cut our losses and drive down to their HQ and take payment in the form of skateboards, since there’s no way we’re gonna see any of that money.

P.S.- If you have any ideas for what to do with these 400+ blank skateboards, make my life easier and send your ideas on over to [email protected]

Is it bad that I don’t know who this is? Sleek, wooden desk (pine perhaps?) in a nice roomy office? Check. Ergonomic office chair with swivel capabilities? You better believe it. Un-impressed facial expression while looking at both colorways of the HUF dunks, check. Down with New York? Yup. Shit, I’m starting to think I should get to know this guy. Oh well, whatever.

Does that say “Blade Liger”? Boy, would Napoleon Dynamite be über stoked on that thing or what? Freakin’ sweet! Christian [Maalouf] looks equally as pumped to be holding such a coveted item.

I’m no “Blade Liger” expert, but I’d venture to say that this high-end master model is one that is revered by the Blade Liger collector’s community. Eagle-eyed viewers will notice too that this model is at 1/72 scale, therefore making it true that Blade Ligers are in fact real and 72x times larger than the plastic model inside. Thanks, Christian for not being too up his own butt to nerd out with us for his Secret Hobbies section!

Jamie Thomas in front of the Leap of Faith is like seeing George Washington standing in front of Mount Rushmore, or something quirky like that. If you wanna dig deeper into the lore and find out how mutton chops fits into the equation, check this out.

To the untrained, normie eye, this is a mundane photo of an old guy doing what any old guy would do to enjoy a sunny afternoon… To us, a pioneer and hero. Grant Brittain has been shooting skate photos for longer than most of us have even been alive. We caught up with him in California to discuss the aforementioned Leap of Faith, being that he was the one who shot the legendary photo sequence and everything.

Coming in hot with a double handful scoop of craw-dads is a bold move, but Kevin [White] is nothing short of a bold individual, so I guess it adds up. The dude is like 6’ 9”, so it’s fair to say that he probably requires more sustenance than a puny little wimp like myself. A long way from Los Angeles, it’s nice to see him enjoying himself at Mardi Gras… anywhere is better than the clutches of Illegal Civ, right?

Isn’t it just the worst when the servers at restaurants sing happy birthday? First off, the Happy Birthday song is an atrocity, I mean seriously who are we kidding, it’s more of a jingle anyway. Coupled with the idea that a bunch of people who don’t know you are forced against their will to break into song and act like they’re enjoying it, what a nightmare! Obviously, the best part is getting the free dessert, and after what you’ve just been through, boy do you deserve it. Anyway, here’s a shot of Alexis and Larry getting a bunch of “important work” done at the HQ.

You might not know it by looking at them, but these two have some of the sickest Instagram handles out there, and that’s highly important these days, you know. If your instagram handle is simply your name and not a topical phrase, a comedic pairing of words, or an ironic joke, you’re absolutely blowing it. Safe to say @instasteak and @notcheetos are at the top of their game.

Always refreshing to see that [Sean] Malto’s plumbing is still connected to the fountain of youth. I mean seriously, the guy looks the exact same as he did over 10 years ago when he was filming for Pretty Sweet. And speaking of Girl, what’s up with Blake Carpenter’s hoodie? Internet sleuths and skate dweebs alike are probably curious to know where he’s headed after calling it quits at Toy Machine. Keep this highly important skate-trade on the hush hush, but perhaps Blake is headed for an extended stay on the Crail couch?

I mean, way too many questions. We’ll just let this one rock.

It’s important to notice that this photo has been cropped from the waist up. I’m sure you as a concerned, diligent reader is wondering, why? Well, it pains me to inform you that everyone in this flick is in fact wearing rollerblades. We just couldn’t bear showing our fearless leader, Ian, in such a state, so we had to crop the image to ensure that no impressionable children were exposed to such a heinous sight. Thank us later.

Shitty photos: Us
Captions and Intro by: Wilson Lucas
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