Every sport has its own version of bombing.

We know everyone has experienced something like this, and looking back on it, you probably remember your reaction being more cringe-worthy than the slam itself. Whether you turn red-faced with shame or full of rage is up to you, but we’ve compiled a list of options to weaken the blow of your next embarrassing slam.

The Shakespeare

After slamming, launch into a monologue about the overwhelming pain you are feeling. If done right, your slam should feel like the day Julius Caesar got betrayed and stabbed to death by his faithful servants. Make sure to use words like “hath” and “thou” to get the full effect. For the advanced thespian, try faking a tear. Really sell it, and with some luck, you should get a standing ovation.

The Houdini

For under $40, you can cop some top-of-the-line smoke pellets from Amazon, and while they were made for testing smoke alarms, they also function as a magicians tool for disappearing. After you slam, throw one on the ground and fade into a cloud of mystery, leaving people to ponder whether you were ever there to begin with and saving you from further embarrassment.

The Masochist

Turn your slam into a confusing spectacle and have some fun with it. Anything you can think of to shock the onlooker is good. Scream at the top of your lungs about how much you love it. If you’re bleeding, lick that shit up like Ozzy Ozborne. Channel your inner Gravette vs. kink rail emotions. Rev up and slam again, only harder.

The Dr. Strange

Technically, if the multiverse is real, there is a reality exactly the same as ours which you never slammed in to begin with. It only took Strange a couple of years to master the art of hopping realities, so if you have enough free time, this might be worth checking out. If you figure it out, do me a favor and find a reality where I feel like less of a dork writing this.

The Possum

In theory, if you play dead people will leave you alone, so lay still and don’t answer the “Are you alright?!” questions. Soon enough the people around you will get bored and go about their day. Be mindful with this technique, because, after further research, possums usually play dead anywhere from 40 minutes to 4 hours, so if you have something else to do that day this is not the way to go.

The Buyout

Got some extra cash? Offer to take the onlookers who saw you slam out to lunch and spare no cost. Extra guac? Sure. Margaritas? Why not! Once you’ve lubed them up, make them swear to not talk about the incident. This works especially well if the spectators are broke, because if they don’t swear to secrecy you can show them the bill and send some @Venmo requests. That’s sure to shut them up.

Words by: Ben Komins
Illustrations by: Wilson Lucas
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