Picture this. You’re at a party. Ooooo, exciting! You’ve smoked half a pack of Marlboros, are clutching a lukewarm beer trying your best to pace yourself (all your friends still rip on you for the last time you blacked out), and have struck out with all your usual conversation starters, i.e. “What’s your favorite Wes Anderson movie?”

Use at your own risk.

THE KOSTON

Remember in Yeah, Right! when Eric Koston went berserk on that dude for breaking into his car and stealing his wallet? Something about the whole interaction is so funny to me, so at your next party go ahead and sneak your wallet into someone’s pocket and then channel your inner Koston on ’em.

Bonus points if you grab them by the shirt and say “You fucking son of a bitch,” or any other goofy Koston-related quip.

THE HARDWARE HEADACHE

I’ve always found the skateboard coat check to be one of the funniest aspects of a large skate event.

You really expect a bunch of drunk skaters to “check in their board” and keep track of a little numbered ticket? Hell, half of them won’t be able to find their lighter or ID by the end of the night.

Take advantage of this dated system by switching around all the trucks on your homie’s boards while they’re busy at the bar. Match a Thunder Lo with a loosey-goosey Ace or a Venture with a classic, heavy-ass Indy.

Snicker in silence as people go to throw down their boards at the end of the night and eat shit.

THE FUCKING AWESOME

There’s this joke from a John Mulaney stand-up special where he describes a friend who would steal antique family photos from parties because it’s “the one thing you can’t replace.” As messed up as this is, I can’t help but die laughing every time I hear the joke.

While I won’t encourage you to ruin family history, I will encourage you to pop around some closets and storage spaces at your next party. If you run into the family photo albums, flick through until you find the perfect embarrassing childhood photo of your homie. Go ahead and slap that image on all forms of merch. I’m talking T-shirts, boards, stickers, everything. Not only are you pranking the homie, but you’ll be making money off sales too. I know, fucking awesome, right?

THE CLIP TRIPPER

Has your filmer botched an angle, or slept through an important session lately? If so, here’s the perfect time to get them back.

Wait until they’re off taking a piss or drunkenly chatting about Bill Strobeck to snag their camera bag. Once you’re in, grab the cam and quickly record a bunch of “hand-over-fisheye” clips behind unmade trick attempts. Sit back and bathe in the satisfaction of knowing that when they go to capture the clips, their hard drive will be full of bails.

Disclaimer: Obviously, this is only possible if your filmer still uses tapes. I also don’t recommend doing this if you’re seriously filming a part, because your filmer might never talk to you again after they figure out it was you.

THE VH-YES

We all have that one friend who loves to brag about their skate VHS collection, and you can always count on them dusting off a video to play when they invite you over. Swap out one of the VHS tapes of 411 #whogivesafuck with a hot, nasty little porn video.

Pro tip: Swap out Alien’s Mindfield or Flip’s Sorry, one that you know they watch all the time. It’s just a matter of time before the X-rated Jake Johnson part plays at full blast and makes the whole house question what’s going on in the living room.

THE GRIPPED AND RIPPED

Griptape the toilet seat, and try to use a fresh sheet of classic, thumb-shredding Mob. You get the idea.

THE PRO PARTY

Ranking as both the most elaborate and most cruel is the pro party. It’s elaborate because it involves organizing a faux surprise, printing a fake pro graphic on a bunch of boards, and getting your entire crew involved for the duped celebration.

It’s cruel because you’ll have to stomach watching your victims’ eyes light up thinking all their hard work in skateboarding has finally paid off while knowing they’ll end up calling the oblivious TM later that night and have the whole house of cards crumble at their feet.

Words by: Ben Komins
Illustrations by: Van Eggers
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